Sounds like a good day, right? At the library we spotted a couple kids from Kael's class. They were playing together and Kael walked up to say hi. The kids acknowledged him but didn't show any interest in including Kael. He didn't know what to do so he ended up upsetting their game and they got frustrated with him. "It's OK, Laura. Kael doesn't need to be everyone's best friend," I reminded myself. But I couldn't help the voice inside me that replied, "Well, it would be nice if he had one close friend."
Back home, we stopped over at the neighbor's before lunch. Kael got squirted with a water gun (having his clothes get wet is a serious sensory issue for him) and he was ready to retaliate. I could see it in Kael's eyes- he was irritable. His behavior was slipping and I could tell he was about to crack. We headed home to regroup and Kael and Kylee started arguing about which pool we would go to. I tried hard to hold myself together as Kael slung insults my way. "Be strong, Laura," a voice in my head cautioned.
We finally made it to the pool and instantly, Kael was having a tough time keeping his hands to himself. He was pulling other kids down, "hugging" them (he can't understand why other 6 and 7 year old boys wouldn't want a hug from him), grabbing them. I must have told him 100 times to keep his hands to himself and I could see that it was becoming physically impossible for him to do so.
My head screamed, "Kael! What is going on with you today? It is our first real day of summer and you have upset all your friends! You have hurt my feelings and you have spent most of the day arguring with me and Kylee!"
But I knew. I knew the answer to that question without having to say it out loud. Today was different. Today was new. Today Kael was grasping for a sense of routine. In past years I have gotten myself so worked up and excited about the freedom of summer that I forget to think about how not having a schedule is so hard for Kael. This year, I thought I was ready for it, but it was still "new". It was a new routine that he wasn't used to and it showed. He didn't want to be irritable today. He didn't choose to act that way any more than he chose to have autism.
Sometimes I am thrilled that Kael is so "mainstreamed". His special needs go undetected to the untrained eye and that can be a source of great frustration. Kids (adults too) don't really understand or accept that Kael is different and they expect him to act accordingly. I can't help but wonder if Kael just had an aid at school, or if he went to some behavior therapies, or if he was in some social groups maybe these days of transition and social rules wouldn't be so tough for him. Am I doing enough for him? Am I pushing hard enough for him?
Love That Max is having some of the same questions, but on the other side of the spectrum: discussing if Max is too sucked into the special needs world. There is no easy answer. I just want Kael to be happy, and on a day like today it breaks my heart to see how tough his world is.
I have faith Kael will settle into our summer routine. And by that time it will probably be time to start getting him back into school routine. And once again, I'll do my best to be prepared and I will trust that God will either lighten the load or strengthen my back. I am proud to say that I have learned to handle a tough day with Kael without taking it personally.
Sleepovers with buddies, playdates and wide circles of friends might never be a reality for Kael, but he's not interested in that. He doesn't want a million friends or socially exhausting playdates.
We have been here before and we will be here again but in the meantime I will keep loving this little boy with all my heart.
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