Ugh.

My tears fell hot on his cheeks where they met his own.  I held him close as I cried, and he cried harder.

Colicky? Sick? I didn’t know.  He hadn’t been himself lately but I guess I was still learning who ‘himself’ was.  I was still learning his ways.  I was desperately trying to remember how to be the mother of a newborn.

It had been the worst kind of day.  Kase’s unsootheable (I know that’s not a word but there’s no other way to put it) crying had made my nerves so raw that I was completely on edge. When I talked to Kael and Kylee, I hated every word that came out of my mouth. “Don’t chew on your toys”, “Stop picking your nose”, “Put your toys away”.  Everything that could be nagged about-I nagged about it.

I figured that if Kase was going to cry at home he might as well cry while we’re out and about.  I wanted Kael and Kylee to still have fun, so off we took to hit up a few parks.

Kylee had thrown wood chips at another girl at the first park and I could tell she felt worse about the fact that she got caught than she felt about throwing the wood chips.  As I talked with Kylee the girl and her family left before I could send Kylee over to apologize.  As luck would have it, we happened to see the same family at the next park we went to.  Kylee was a mess, absolutely refusing to go apologize unless I went with her.  I had just gotten Kase lulled off to sleep but I really felt Kylee needed to make the apology so Kase and I walked over with her.  She whispered a completely inaudible apology and started to walk off.  My blood pressure rose and evidently so did my voice as I called for her to come back and try again.  The peaceful babe in my arms awoke with a start and screamed.  Kylee did attempt another apology to the girl, this time it couldn’t be heard over Kase’s crying. We left anyways.

I held it together, sort of, until we got in the car where I started in- ranting about how disappointed I was in their behavior (Kael had been yanking on some kid’s shirt at the park so hard it nearly ripped so as far as I was concerned they were both in trouble), telling them I was mortified (Kylee was just mad that she didn’t know what mortified meant), and trying to teach them a lesson over Kase’s endless cries.

Life is a funny teacher.  In that moment, I learned a lesson myself.  I couldn’t help but notice that my raw emotions, edgy tone and angry eyes were taking a toll on everyone. The kids don’t need me to haul them to the pools, the parks, and ice cream shops to enjoy their summer.  What they really need is a role model.  Someone who is strong, yet calm when the chips are down.  Someone who keeps their cool.  Someone who can relax, and laugh when things go wrong.  Someone who does the right thing- always. I was not being that model. 

Fast forward a couple hours and we’ve regained composure a bit.  The kids are playing quietly in their rooms while Kase sleeps.  We are all, without a doubt, ready for Kent to be home and lighten the mood up around this place.