I thought about him often during the day. Wondered how lunch went. Anxious to hear if he found his best buddy (now in a different class) at recess. Most of all, just ready to see him and hear about his day.
I got to school early- long before the bell rang. I parked in the same spot as last year and walked up the hill past the playground to meet Kael the same way I did last year. We talked about this routine last night before bed and again this morning when I dropped him off. I don't have the luxury (sarcasm fully intended) of waiting for Kael in the car line because I have to be back to my house right after school since some of my babysitting girls come after school.
So, school is out at 2:55 and I wait. And wait and wait. I see some other first graders trickle out but not Kael. By about 3:10 I walk over to the car line just in case, to see if Kael is there. He's not, but his old kindergarten teacher was. She saw me and said, "Where's Kael?" I was hoping she'd seen him over there, but she promised he hadn't walked by that way. (He's a pretty noticeable kid with his red hair, and I had dressed him in a bright orange shirt today.) I walk into the school and back to his room and find his teacher. "Hi!" she started brightly...then quickly realized, "Oh no, you don't have Kael."
No, I didn't have Kael. By Ankeny standards, Kael's school is not a big one. By this time I had been by both exits of the school and by the parking lot and hadn't seen him. I held it together, sort of, and told her I'd run to the van to see if somehow he slipped by me and was waiting for me there. He wasn't.
Now I'm getting worried. I race back up the hill (poor Kylee and her little buddy were hanging in there so well...it was pushing 90 degrees and we had been alll over the school by now.)
So you can better follow the story I'll explain this: at our school, there are 3 types of kids.
1. Car line kids: these kids get picked up in the parking lot in a giant line of cars. They all wait together with a group of teachers and when their mom/designated pick-up-ee pulls up, they hop in and off they go.
2. Bus kids: self-explanatory
3. Walkers: all kids who don't fall into one of the first two categories are grouped into this category. So Kael is considered a walker because he walks out of the building and meets me by the front of the school.
So, now that I know he's not in the front of the school, not by the playground, not waiting in the car line and not by the van I am starting to get really anxious. My mind wandered. Kael is a "walker"....did he somehow get confused by that term and think he's supposed to walk home? Just the thought of that made me sick to my stomach because I knew Kael would know the way home if someone told him to go ahead and walk home. I also knew that he would have to cross a very busy street where there are no cross walks. I broke and started crying.
I made my way into the building and the secretary gave me a sympathetic smile and pointed. "Mrs. Funk has him and they headed that way." Relief. I hurried towards his room and a couple of slow moving people in front of me noticed my hurry. "What happened? Did you lose your kid?" This is where the title of this post comes in. "No, he lost me," I snapped. I was where I was supposed to be. I had explained to him a million times exactly how the after school routine should play out.
I knew my emotions were raw but I felt like they looked at me like I was that crazy mom who showed up twenty minutes late to pick up their kid. Or maybe they thought I had forgotten to explain precisely where I would meet up with Kael. (I hadn't. We talked about it no less than twenty times.) They looked at me like I was that mom. The unprepared, frazzled one. I'm not. So I was a little snappy. At least I spared them a lecture on how autistic kids have a tough time with change, how they can get overwhelmed in crowds and unreahearsed routines even if we did the same routine a hundred times last year, it was somehow different to him now that he's in first grade. His mind doesn't generalize.
I finally got to Kael's room and found my red- hair, red-faced little boy and I could tell he'd been crying. Kael doesn't cry, for the record. His first words, "I'm so sorry Mom. I didn't know where you were."
Again, this is where my job becomes difficult. I wanted to say, "Kael, don't you remember how we talked about where I was going to wait for you after school? Do you remember last year because it's supposed to be the exact same this year?" My heart wanted to question him, "Where have you been? I was so worried about you!"
I said none of that. I put on a happy face and said, "Kael I'm sorry too. We must have just missed each other somehow. I'm glad to see you now, and I can't wait to hear all about your day." I didn't want him thinking it was his fault at all. Beacause it really wasn't. Somehow we really did just miss each other. I was so proud of him for making his way back to the school after he couldn't find me. He showed some really grown up problem solving skills. And I told him so.
It was nearly a full thirty minutes after school let out before I had my first grader in my arms. Quick to recover, Kael said (while I was still choking back tears) as we walked hand in hand out the doors, "Guess what Mom? We listened to one of my favorite songs in music class today!"
I'd like to say he never thought about it again but I can tell he's still thinking about it. His first day didn't go exactly as well as he'd hoped. He's a worrier. He actually just came down a minute ago and said, "Mom I'm really worried about school tomorrow. What if I forget that you're going to wait for me by the tree? And also I know it's PE tomorrow but I am very worried about wearing tennis shoes all day. I have to scrunch up my toes too much and they will hurt so can I just wear flip flops and change at PE time?"
A mom's hardest job is to hold it together when things are falling apart. To put on a smile and assure their kids everything will be fine. To not tell off the other judgy moms. To take the blame when it wasn't necessarily their fault.
I know that tomorrow will be better, the routine will become seamless and this will soon be a distant memory.
How was your first day?
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